When I think of closure, I think of the definition above. I envision finally ending something and being ok with its conclusion. My family and friends have suggested to me that I needed closure from a past relationship to help me move on. Let me tell you, I was googling how to get closure, reading self-help books, the search for this thing called “closure” was real.
I had been struggling with getting over a past relationship for quite some time. I was depressed, heartbroken, and my self-esteem was non-existent. I was using unhealthy measures to cope with, what at the time seemed to be, my world ending.
Let me provide some background. While away at college, I began dating someone who I considered one of my best friends. When things were good, our relationship was amazing; and when they were bad, it was toxic. I put my all into him, and although he may not have realized it, leaned on him for everything. Long story short, we lasted about a year. Our break up was over a phone call, I hated the way it ended, and I was left feeling hurt and deceived. I literally could feel my heart shattering like glass, the way it happened did not even feel real.
At any rate, life moves on, and so did he. I was just getting by. I felt like a zombie, trying to finish my senior year and get back home to New York. Of course, he popped in and out, “checking on me”, making sure I was caught up on his life, leading me to believe we could work on things, but we never did. Regardless of how I was feeling, I graduated, and made my way back to NY.
Our break up happened 3 years ago, and in that 3 years’ time I never got “closure”. At least from what the articles, books and blog posts deemed as “closure”, their definitions of it, I never saw. However, it was not for lack of trying. I called this man, FaceTimed him, texted him, waited for the right time to initiate the conversation, I thought I so desperately needed. Realistically I knew I was never going to get it, because I know him. Any conversation dealing with our past was like fruit from the poisonous tree and he was not about to touch it.
I decided I had to move on without this “closure” everybody speaks of. Therefore, I did what I had to do and got myself together. I prayed more, worked out, drank my water, lost 25 pounds, and got myself into a Master’s program, because I would be damned if I let anybody stop me from fulfilling my destiny. Life was good. My friends could see how happy I was, how “lit” I became, there was no stopping me, I was living my best life.
Until about 2 weeks ago. I went back to my alma mater to handle some Delta Business. He knew I was coming and made his way up and we saw each other, for the first time in maybe two years. I knew he told me he was coming but I know he tells me a lot of things. My mom, line sisters, best friends, and I gave me pep talk after pep talk. I was not about to let this man sweet talk me and derail me from what I need to be focused on. And I was good ok? I didn’t feel a sense of urgency to see him, no butterflies in this stomach; I was calm, cool, and collected. Then I saw him, I was still good, laughing and talking, it was good to be in his company without feeling as if I wanted to rip his teeth from his mouth one by one.
We were at a party and we found ourselves sitting in his brand new car just chatting. We were in that car for just under 2 hours. In that 2 hours’ time we talked about EVERYTHING. I mean I learned more about this man in 2 hours than in the years I have known him. What also happened in those 2 hours was 3 years of hard work unraveling and flying out the window like a gum wrapper. We had the conversation that everybody, and every website told me I needed to have, but we had it 3 years too late. The reason we had the conversation was not for me, it was not on my time; but it was for him, because he needed to understand one thing I did almost a year ago. But stupidly, I did for him what he avoided doing for me.
After the conversation was over, we said goodbye. He went with his line brothers and me with my line sisters. Naturally, they asked me what happened. I told them the truth, he and I talked and some of the stuff he said confused me but I got my damn apology. Then came the golden question, my Live Five asked me did I finally get closure? And in that moment, I was stuck. It didn’t occur to me that, that is what the conversation was supposed to be because I found, hell MADE my own closure. I told her, I thought so, for him at least, because I’ve been good.
I was not good. The truth is I felt stupid, and angry. I just wasted 3 years of my life praying and hoping that God would let us get back together. 3 years of my life fighting and digging myself out of a deep dark hole filled with depression and self-hate, trying to accept that this man is not for me. Damn good, I felt horrible. Why the hell did I give this man what he needed, when he could not afford me the same courtesy?
I knew everything he said, he was not going to do. We would not be friends again let alone best friends. As well as he knows me, I know him pretty well too. Now here I am, staring at my phone, hoping he calls, or texts me all over again.
For me, my closure was my dear sweet mother, barging into my bedroom and DEMANDING I get myself up and get myself together. THAT was my closure. I thought I needed a conversation, an apology, just acknowledgment that WE could have done better by each other. That would be it, it would solve everything, we could go back to being best friends and everything would be great.
That is not what happened. FOR ME? I had my closure when I created it on my own over the course of 3 years. How the websites and books described it, is not how it worked for me. Getting this “closure” from him? All that did was open me back up, and if you ask me…that is not closure at all.